


My Heart Hurts

by toaster_struddle



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Aged-Up Gon Freecs, Aged-Up Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck, Aged-Up Killua Zoldyck, Angst, Crying Killua Zoldyck, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Heartache, Hurt/Comfort, Loneliness, M/M, Original Character(s), Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 19:55:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27791863
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toaster_struddle/pseuds/toaster_struddle
Summary: It's been 7 years. 7 Years since Gon had hid away. 7 years since Gon thought that it would be best for his friends to stop being around him. Believing that he did not deserve their kindness. Their love. He couldn't prove himself anymore. He couldn't stop himself from drowning in the dark pit of his horrid self-worth. He couldn't stop the pain. All he wanted was the pain to stop. He didn't want to feel pain and drop tears. He couldn't handle it anymore. But ever since his decision. There's only been heartache and pain.
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Kudos: 71





	My Heart Hurts

**Author's Note:**

> Ahaha. Think it's rather noticeable that I haven't updated my other fic for some time. Oops. I wish I was still motivated to work on it and maybe I will. Eventually. The outline for it...is messy. To say the least. But I've decided to put some energy into single chapter shorts or something long. Haven't exactly decided. I might delete the other one.  
> But this is unedited and so raw. Just raw emotion and all. Kinda a vent fic since uh, haven't beem doing so hot for a while. And since I can relate to Gon in a lot of aspects he became the main target in this. He's my favorite too so he does get reassurance.  
> Anyway small spoiler. Then end is kinda fluffy? idk.

7\. It's been 7 years.

7 years since Gon had last seen Ging.

7 years since Gon had last seen Killua.

7 years since Gon had lost his nen.

7 years since Gon's chase for revenge.

7 years since Gon had almost died.

7 years...Is a long time. 2,492 days and nights.

And here Gon was. At 21. Currently living in York New for college.

This was never the life he wanted..A normal one.

His heart ached. Throbbed. It hurt. Hurt to do something he never wanted. His heart screamed for adventure. To be a Hunter. To be as good as Ging.

His Hunter licence was left behind. Tucked away in his desk drawer back on Whale Island.

With his Aunt. 

"Goooon! You're so deep in thought that you haven't even started your first equation!" A girl huffed.

"O-oh! Right sorry I was just thinking about my mom," Gon laughed sheepishly.

His hand crawled back and gently rubbed the nape of his neck. He gave his natural crooked grin while the girl only scoffed.

"Your lucky your cute face is saving you," She growled.

"Eh-heh…"

"Whatever, you're so out of it. Just go home. Why help when you're not even paying attention!" She scolded.

"Ahah..Sorry Amy.."

"Say sorry to your dropping math grade!" She huffed.

"Sorry—"

"Whatever just go!"

And with that Gon scrambled to pack his things and leave the woman as quick as possible. 

Her sour mood was a force to be reckoned with and to be frank...He's not quite up to being the receiving end of that sour mood of hers.

☆☆☆☆

When Gon got home he was welcomed by darkness.

It was only 5. 

Winter really took the fun out of daytime. 

Gon sighed while he set his possessions down on the table before removing his coat.

He'll never get used to the cold.

Gon prefered warm weather year-round. That's how it was at Whale Island at least.

He set his coat down on the chair.

Gon lived alone. In a small apartment. He only took a bit of money he had earned from Heaven's Arena to pay for it.

But still left the rest for his aunt.

Gon does have a part time job. But recently he's had no motivation to actually go to work.

So he resorted to calling in sick for 2 weeks a couple days ago.

He wouldn't be surprised if he gets fired.

Gon settled down on the couch in the living room then. The lights dimmed.

What he'd give to be 12 and back at the Hunter exam again.

Gon had really fell out of contact with everyone really.

Leorio's been busy.

Killua's out around the world with Alluka.

Kurapika….Well.. Leorio sent out an email about his passing.

Gon didn't go to the funeral. Leorio was probably super pissed about that.

He probably still is.

Gon would've gone..But he was scared. He was scared to see their faces.

Weak.

Yeah.. Gon was weak.

Pathetic. Weak. Worthless. Selfish.

That's all he's ever been.

☆☆☆☆☆

Bzzzzzzz.

Bzzzzzz.

Bzzzzz.

A tired groan.

Bzzzz.

Bzzz.

Another tired groan while a hand reached for the cellular device.

Answered.

And brought up to a face.

"Hello?"

"GON FREECSS!"

He physically jumps and pulls the phone away from his face. 

His ear rung and his face scrunched with discontent.

"Amy I–"

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?! IT'S 10:34am IN CASE YOU DON'T KNOW!"

Gon tensed.

"WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU!?"

"Uh, sorry Amy my alarm didn't wake me up— I'll be at the campus as fast as possible," Gon cried out.

"Good, but this also means you missed 2 of your classes," Amy snorted.

"Y-yeah.."

"You better go talk to your professors," she scoffed.

"I will."

"Good."

Beep.

Gon threw himself off the couch then and rushed into the bathroom.

☆☆☆☆

Gon was out the front door and outside in record time. But he'd have to catch the next bus.

He has no idea what the bus schedule is.

He pulled out his phone and searched it up.

His tan fingers going pink in the cold.

Then his phone screen went black.

"No...Nonononono," he mumbled repeatedly.

"Not today. Bad day bad day," he whined.

Gon stuffed the device in his pocket and just started walking to the next bus stop.

He reached for his bag, looking to find his bus pass while he walked but found no sign of the card.

"Huh?"

He dug through for a few moments and…

Nothing.

Gon groaned while he zipped his bag.

"What a miserable day," he whined.

Walking down the sidewalk. Hands stuffed in his pockets.

He had to walk. It was his only option at this point.

Not that it would take like 20 minutes.

Now that Gon had finally lifted his eyes from the ground. He noticed something terrifyingly familiar.

Soft white hair that could blend in with snow.

He tried to swallow the build up. There's no way it could be Killua.

They had both stopped sending messages actively 5 years ago.

Killua was the last person Gon had lost contact with over the years.

There were postcards for the first year. Then after 2 months they stopped. 

Killua only sent emails and Gon always felt this pang of pain in his chest whenever he sent one back.

But then finally he stopped. He didn't want that pain anymore.

Gon pulled his hands up and breathed on them. 

He sniffled and had to think of what to do.

The figure with white hair was only getting closer.

Run.

He could run.

Gon stared at the ground while he walked. Then he looked up.

Where?

"Gon."

That voice. It was deeper and far more refined than it was back 7 years ago.

Gon froze. His heart pounding. Aching. 

His throat throbbed and his eyes burned.

Then he booked it.

Of course Gon knew Killua would catch him with little to no effort but he had to try.

"Gon!"

Why was Killua even here. Why did he come. Gon wasn't even worth his time

Why?  
Why?  
Why?

Before he knew it. He was pressed against a wall in an alleyway.

Away from prying eyes and ears.

"Gon–"

"Wha...What are you doing!?" Gon questioned.

Louder than necessary.

"Looking for you!" snapped the voice.

Gon was staring at the ground.

He couldn't look. He wouldn't.

He can't.

"Gon..Please just...It's been years.."

"I know."

"I just...I know a lot of time has passed..I just..I…"

"I missed you...Gon.." He sounded small.

Gon's eyes widened and he quickly looked up. Drinking in his old best friend's mature appearance.

Narrowed eyes. Tinted cheeks. Defined jaw and cheeks.

Gon blinked.

"I was worried that you didn't want to be friends anymore and it just took so many years to build up any courage to actually see you–"

"I'm sorry…" His voice was weak.

"Huh?"

"I'm..so sorry..Killua," Gon continued.

"Gon, no, you have nothing to apologize for," Killua spoke so soft.

So gentle.

Gon didn't deserve that.

"I'm sorry for being so weak. Everything hurt so much Killua! I couldn't take it anymore," Gon wailed.

Killua looked shocked. At a loss of words.

"I..I left because..because I was scared. I was afraid everyone would leave me behind. I wasn't at my best anymore, what could I have done!?" A sob.

Killua wasted no time. He pulled Gon into his torso. Wrapping his arms tightly and firmly around his best friend.

The only thing Gon could possibly do was cry in Killua's chest. 

Trembling. Crying.

Did Gon deserve Killua's kindness?

"I lost my nen. I lost my worth, my..my….usefulness," Gon cried.

"Gon..All we ever wanted was to see you again," Killua murmured.

Biting his lip as he squeezed his best friend.

Burying his face into Gon's shoulder.

"Your nen never proved your worth or power. Your usefulness doesn't determine whether you stay or leave," Killua choked.

"You don't need to prove yourself to anyone. Dammit you're more than enough," Killua sounded as if he himself was at the verge of tears.

"Thank you so much, Gon. You deserve so much," Killua finally just let it spill.

Gon paused. He could feel the wetness of Killua's tears. The warmth from his body.

"Killua?" Wet and shaky.

Killua inhaled. His breath staggering.

"I missed you too."

Gon wrapped his arms around his best friend. Although tears dripped from both their eyes.

Gon didn't feel...pain. He felt warm. Warmth.

"And.. Thank you."

**Author's Note:**

> Wow i didn't think you'd make it down here. Hello! Thank you so much for reading my unedited nonsense.


End file.
